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A History Written on the Back of a Matchbook

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A new year, a new quarter, an attempt to change things around. My class load is heavy, my work load is worse. I have classes and work everyday from 7:30am to 4:00pm everyday except Wednesdays and Fridays, Wednesdays having class from 3:00pm to 10:00pm, Friday only 3:00pm. My room mate is drunk again, his parents come tomorrow to drop by his new four-thousand dollar laptop that he doesn't need. I am ardently trying to find new friends without alienating the people here, because lets face it, I can't fully detach from the group without creating a whole bunch of hassle. I have to deal with these people regardless, they're still Charlie's friends. I had Italian with Elena, I'm not sure how that would've worked out, I dropped the class before I had the potential to find out, I'm glad I did. I'm happy (not that I dropped the class necessarily, it was meant as an overarching statement). It is weird seeing someone that disappeared from your life so long ago just pop up as a stranger. Someone that really did bend you out of shape in many ways, some purposeful, some unintentional. She walked through me, I didn't expect anything more, I didn't acknowledge her either so it worked for both of us. Vanessa graduates this year, I don't know whats going to come of that, come what may I really appreciate having her now. I forget sometimes how much good she's been for me. I'm grateful for her. So... where to now? New friends maybe, work, school, money, trips to orland to go shooting, atv-ing, orange picking, farming, hanging with the bovines and V's grandfather (who's an American hero in all ways, he is who Cormac McCarthy wishes he could embody in text).
My wisdom teeth are coming in, my jaw has been in total agony for the last month. It keeps me up when I try to sleep.
The group in my living room are still very audible, talking to each other about the average size of the American male penis, making themselves feel better about their lacking size, re securing their manhood. It pretty much defines their existence. They might as well just whip them out and compare.
I've drank more tonight than I have since November, I've had two beers. I've had more hand squeezed orange juice than alcohol at this party that I supposedly hosted. I don't drink with cannibals.
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I'm too exhausted to write what I want.
Suffice it to say I'm going to kick some ass and take some fucking names tomorrow.
My room mate lied to me.
The evil cunt whore that is his ex girlfriend stayed at my apartment.
She stole my parking spot.
A friend of mine fully outted me out of sheer spite.
I'm utterly disillusioned with the people I hang out with in California for the nth time.
I've put up with their bullshit and abuse for far too long.
Writing the whole lot of them off doesn't sound bad currently.

To quote someone from far away and long ago: My name's Chris, I have no home.

I haven't been this mad in a very very long time.

Current Mood:
enraged incensed
Current Music:
Time Won't Let Me Go - The Bravery
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So, I'm going back to boulder soon, two or three weeks out. I'm apprehensive, I haven't seen people in a year or more and I don't want it to be like Davis. My friends in Davis have started calling me the nameless one, because I'm not around much. I have a job, a girlfriend and class, I've become introverted and a bit of a malcontent. I need to find people that respect me for me not for what people expect of me. I want to move out of my apartment, I want my own space where I have control over what happens in it, I don't want to have to come home to a mess, I don't want to have my food eaten, my drink drank and my room, my space and my belongings abused. I'm poor, I don't like, I want to be able to drop three hundred dollars on a coat, I don't want to worry if I have enough money to eat, or to get a hair cut. I want a car. I've been in California almost a year, and I've been to Berkeley, San Francisco, and San Jose, I haven't seen my family out here in three years. I want out of the country, but study abroad may not be for me, I don't know if I have the money, I want the CIA internship, but don't know if I'll get in, or pass the background check. I want to write a book, I don't know why, I just do. I'm at a point where I don't know if I should even attempt for study abroad or internships, cause I don't want to get my hopes up. I love many aspects of where I am, and want to stay here, but I'm supposed to graduate early, I don't know if I can, I'm in school year round, the longest break I get is Winter, I don't drink regularly, I clean up from parties, I clean the apartment I don't stay in, I fix things, pay to fix things that I didn't break, I'm sick of it. I don't want to be the nameless one, I just don't want to be like all of those drunkards. So instead of being a drunkard, I'm a drunkards pawn, which is worse. I really want to kick the crap out of Charlie sometimes. He sleeps all day, doesn't go to class, doesn't clean, and then gets pissed when I don't pick up his shit. I have 9 months left. I need to start being forceful in my relationships, but my concerns are always written off as bullshit. So yeah...
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I currently despise the majority of my friends in California. I'm on the out with all of them, which means I find other people to hang out with which puts me more on the outs with them, its a cycle I do not know how to break. My room mate broke up with his girlfriend but things have yet to get better, the hegemon of power now only has one head. I don't like this lack of cohesion or caring. I need new people here.
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Hm. So V has one of these, and I read it. I guess thats as simple an introduction as I could hope for. She writes about me in it, it was one of the most awesome and devastating things I've read. Hopeful but cautious. It was a little worrisome to be honest. She's getting a weird view of me from my friends here, they don't know me per say, only the person I was for the months of freshman year, the time they knew and hung out with me, our 'lives together' span a period of nine months, which I rank some of my stupidest, and most inane, not to mention self sabotaging. I don't know how to change that perception.

So, I'm not sure what to do or say or think currently. So many aspects of my existence in Davis have been in flux, and the only thing thats been remotely solid is V. I'm grateful for it, and I love her for it, not for only that mind you. My friends here (as I've previously commented about) aren't exactly the most stellar characters, and it freaks me out that Charlie is Spencer, and that due to this similarity I let him get away with shit I shouldn't. It makes me mad that my friends don't respect me enough, don't respect V enough.

Back to the topic at hand, as I said, what I read was awesome yet devastating. For the most part she's right, which is the devastating part, and she loves me regardless (in theory?), which is the awesome part. I don't know. This doesn't make sense. I'm so used to existing on a probationary plain that I've become accustomed to the migratory aspects of that that sort of life entails. I don't do the whole close knit circle of friends bullshit here, I create persona's in order to exist within the circle, its been that way off and on for a long time (see: Christenson, Jon, etc.) I'm finding it harder and harder to fulfill the persona I've created here due to V, its a good thing but its making things in other area's of my life difficult. I love her and it freaks me out that she's so close.

I don't know where this is going, I'm not used to not having an 'expiration date' on relationships that last past the initial phases, (see: Natalie). Its freaking me out, cause I want her around but I don't want her to give up anything to stay around, but again I still want her around.

So yeah, I love her. I don't know what to expect. This is all new for me, four months is longer than anything since KB, which boggles the mind. That's part of the weirdness I don't know how to handle.

We'll see.


So, a
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So, I am not digging this 'changing world' bullshit. Not in the least. Really not feeling the 'lets drink every night of the remaining summer 'till we puke' bullshit. Certainly not a fan of the 'Chris' girlfriend is 21 so she'll buy us booze' bullshit. I'm sick and tired of the 'Chris is a flake because he has more friends than just us and wants to see them' bullshit'. Finally I'm totally fucking over the 'we must do everything in a group, if you are not with the group at all times you are not a group member' bullshit.

I say to all of this: bullshit. Grow the fuck up. Stop acting like a goddamn cult.

I say 'changing world' cause I was quite content until the 8th of September, when Davis was still my own town, when people came and went and either I dealt with them or I didn't, but I didn't have to put up with their ridiculous and inane beliefs/situations/conversations/relationships (take your pick).

The people who inhabit my apartment building (my friends) are cultish, brutish, nasty and xenophobic. They are ruled by the concept that in order to function as human beings there must be suffering so they create it (see: Palahniuk, Haunted).

They're junkies. Their drugs just don't come in powders or crystals, they don't shoot them, though they do ingest them, often and without thought. Alcohol, nicotine, endorphines, jizm, and absurd, unnecessary and obnoxious suffering-drama (see: Burroughes, Naked Lunch).

Me, I'm content to have my books, my music and maybe a few dvds here and there, I like an evening at home cooking dinner and just chatting. I do not feel the need to do everything with these people, they're not that fun to be with honestly, they treat people badly, they treat me badly, and god knows they treat Vanessa badly.

So... yeah.

I'm pretty sick of it. They should cut it out.

Thats it I guess. I guess I'm just frustrated with the whole concept that aligns this group, the social entity that is Charlie and Sarah, this hegemon of drunken, depraved and dysfunctional situations...
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Oh yeah, ps. I got married.
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So, I should be putting the finishing touches on my history essay but I decided to waste time. I'm utterly exhausted as I did not sleep until five am this morning working on said history paper, Vanessa came and picked me up at four thirty and I finally got to get some sleep. I haven't slept alone since June 10th, I've only slept at my apartment three times and still don't own a bed to put in it (that will be changed tonight at nine pm). So I love Vanessa. It freaks me out to no end, but I'm actually in love with her. Not some bull shitty thing that I had with Elena or any of that, I'm happy doing the most mundane things with Nessa and just waking up next to her makes my day better. We've been seeing each other for three months off and on, but singly for about a month now, she turns twenty two this month and this time next year will be working on her masters degree somewhere thats not Davis. That worries me. I don't see us breaking up by then, and I don't want that to be the end of us... we haven't talked about it yet, but I know she's as worried as I am about it. Well... I don't know what else to write, I'm wiped out, drank too much this weekend I guess had a party with the kids from the Bay area, played mixed drink pong and hung out with my room mate who's a really cool guy. Classes are going better, I think I know where I want to go with my major but the idea of focusing on International Law is daunting, that means that after my bachelors I go to law school, and after law school I get a phd on top of my jd, terrifying. Minimum 6 years after my 4 here... we'll see where I go with that... still have a long time....
Still need a job.
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So, I have an apartment now, I really do, it's in the middle of downtown Davis is costing me five hundred a month and I have yet to move into it. I've been at Vanessa's place since last week... this may be getting a little ridiculous. Maybe... The good news: I like her, a lot. She's fucking awesome to be around and its fun doing absolutely nothing with her. More good news: I haven't had a cigarette in fifty six hours, and before that I had one a day for three days. I may actually kick this bleeding habit. I wish I could say that there aren't cravings but there are, they're pretty heinous sometimes too... but it's getting better and the physical ticks are retreating quickly, hopefully the mental addiction will be simpler. I can drink and not smoke now which is new for me... its been a long time for me to have a beer without a cigarette. I just hope I can stick with it... I haven't even pulled any ornery shit on anyone... well not yet anyway... we'll see what happens. I'm doing all this cold turkey which is pretty tough I guess.
I should probably contemplate moving into my apartment sometime soon..... huh.... I don't pay rent until July.... we'll see......
* * *
I'm dating a twenty one year old and loving it. She's gorgeous in every way.
Have an apartment for summer and one for next year.
It's finals week.
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