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The · Jack · Slap · Cheer!
A History Written on the Back of a Matchbook
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A new year, a new quarter, an attempt to change things around. My class load is heavy, my work load is worse. I have classes and work everyday from 7:30am to 4:00pm everyday except Wednesdays and Fridays, Wednesdays having class from 3:00pm to 10:00pm, Friday only 3:00pm. My room mate is drunk again, his parents come tomorrow to drop by his new four-thousand dollar laptop that he doesn't need. I am ardently trying to find new friends without alienating the people here, because lets face it, I can't fully detach from the group without creating a whole bunch of hassle. I have to deal with these people regardless, they're still Charlie's friends. I had Italian with Elena, I'm not sure how that would've worked out, I dropped the class before I had the potential to find out, I'm glad I did. I'm happy (not that I dropped the class necessarily, it was meant as an overarching statement). It is weird seeing someone that disappeared from your life so long ago just pop up as a stranger. Someone that really did bend you out of shape in many ways, some purposeful, some unintentional. She walked through me, I didn't expect anything more, I didn't acknowledge her either so it worked for both of us. Vanessa graduates this year, I don't know whats going to come of that, come what may I really appreciate having her now. I forget sometimes how much good she's been for me. I'm grateful for her. So... where to now? New friends maybe, work, school, money, trips to orland to go shooting, atv-ing, orange picking, farming, hanging with the bovines and V's grandfather (who's an American hero in all ways, he is who Cormac McCarthy wishes he could embody in text).
My wisdom teeth are coming in, my jaw has been in total agony for the last month. It keeps me up when I try to sleep.
The group in my living room are still very audible, talking to each other about the average size of the American male penis, making themselves feel better about their lacking size, re securing their manhood. It pretty much defines their existence. They might as well just whip them out and compare.
I've drank more tonight than I have since November, I've had two beers. I've had more hand squeezed orange juice than alcohol at this party that I supposedly hosted. I don't drink with cannibals. |
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I'm too exhausted to write what I want. Suffice it to say I'm going to kick some ass and take some fucking names tomorrow. My room mate lied to me. The evil cunt whore that is his ex girlfriend stayed at my apartment. She stole my parking spot. A friend of mine fully outted me out of sheer spite. I'm utterly disillusioned with the people I hang out with in California for the nth time. I've put up with their bullshit and abuse for far too long. Writing the whole lot of them off doesn't sound bad currently. To quote someone from far away and long ago: My name's Chris, I have no home. I haven't been this mad in a very very long time.
Current Mood: |
 incensed |
Current Music: |
Time Won't Let Me Go - The Bravery | |
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So, I'm going back to boulder soon, two or three weeks out. I'm apprehensive, I haven't seen people in a year or more and I don't want it to be like Davis. My friends in Davis have started calling me the nameless one, because I'm not around much. I have a job, a girlfriend and class, I've become introverted and a bit of a malcontent. I need to find people that respect me for me not for what people expect of me. I want to move out of my apartment, I want my own space where I have control over what happens in it, I don't want to have to come home to a mess, I don't want to have my food eaten, my drink drank and my room, my space and my belongings abused. I'm poor, I don't like, I want to be able to drop three hundred dollars on a coat, I don't want to worry if I have enough money to eat, or to get a hair cut. I want a car. I've been in California almost a year, and I've been to Berkeley, San Francisco, and San Jose, I haven't seen my family out here in three years. I want out of the country, but study abroad may not be for me, I don't know if I have the money, I want the CIA internship, but don't know if I'll get in, or pass the background check. I want to write a book, I don't know why, I just do. I'm at a point where I don't know if I should even attempt for study abroad or internships, cause I don't want to get my hopes up. I love many aspects of where I am, and want to stay here, but I'm supposed to graduate early, I don't know if I can, I'm in school year round, the longest break I get is Winter, I don't drink regularly, I clean up from parties, I clean the apartment I don't stay in, I fix things, pay to fix things that I didn't break, I'm sick of it. I don't want to be the nameless one, I just don't want to be like all of those drunkards. So instead of being a drunkard, I'm a drunkards pawn, which is worse. I really want to kick the crap out of Charlie sometimes. He sleeps all day, doesn't go to class, doesn't clean, and then gets pissed when I don't pick up his shit. I have 9 months left. I need to start being forceful in my relationships, but my concerns are always written off as bullshit. So yeah... |
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I currently despise the majority of my friends in California. I'm on the out with all of them, which means I find other people to hang out with which puts me more on the outs with them, its a cycle I do not know how to break. My room mate broke up with his girlfriend but things have yet to get better, the hegemon of power now only has one head. I don't like this lack of cohesion or caring. I need new people here. |
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Hm. So V has one of these, and I read it. I guess thats as simple an introduction as I could hope for. She writes about me in it, it was one of the most awesome and devastating things I've read. Hopeful but cautious. It was a little worrisome to be honest. She's getting a weird view of me from my friends here, they don't know me per say, only the person I was for the months of freshman year, the time they knew and hung out with me, our 'lives together' span a period of nine months, which I rank some of my stupidest, and most inane, not to mention self sabotaging. I don't know how to change that perception. So, I'm not sure what to do or say or think currently. So many aspects of my existence in Davis have been in flux, and the only thing thats been remotely solid is V. I'm grateful for it, and I love her for it, not for only that mind you. My friends here (as I've previously commented about) aren't exactly the most stellar characters, and it freaks me out that Charlie is Spencer, and that due to this similarity I let him get away with shit I shouldn't. It makes me mad that my friends don't respect me enough, don't respect V enough. Back to the topic at hand, as I said, what I read was awesome yet devastating. For the most part she's right, which is the devastating part, and she loves me regardless (in theory?), which is the awesome part. I don't know. This doesn't make sense. I'm so used to existing on a probationary plain that I've become accustomed to the migratory aspects of that that sort of life entails. I don't do the whole close knit circle of friends bullshit here, I create persona's in order to exist within the circle, its been that way off and on for a long time (see: Christenson, Jon, etc.) I'm finding it harder and harder to fulfill the persona I've created here due to V, its a good thing but its making things in other area's of my life difficult. I love her and it freaks me out that she's so close. I don't know where this is going, I'm not used to not having an 'expiration date' on relationships that last past the initial phases, (see: Natalie). Its freaking me out, cause I want her around but I don't want her to give up anything to stay around, but again I still want her around. So yeah, I love her. I don't know what to expect. This is all new for me, four months is longer than anything since KB, which boggles the mind. That's part of the weirdness I don't know how to handle. We'll see. So, a |
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So, I am not digging this 'changing world' bullshit. Not in the least. Really not feeling the 'lets drink every night of the remaining summer 'till we puke' bullshit. Certainly not a fan of the 'Chris' girlfriend is 21 so she'll buy us booze' bullshit. I'm sick and tired of the 'Chris is a flake because he has more friends than just us and wants to see them' bullshit'. Finally I'm totally fucking over the 'we must do everything in a group, if you are not with the group at all times you are not a group member' bullshit. I say to all of this: bullshit. Grow the fuck up. Stop acting like a goddamn cult. I say 'changing world' cause I was quite content until the 8th of September, when Davis was still my own town, when people came and went and either I dealt with them or I didn't, but I didn't have to put up with their ridiculous and inane beliefs/situations/conversations/relationships (take your pick). The people who inhabit my apartment building (my friends) are cultish, brutish, nasty and xenophobic. They are ruled by the concept that in order to function as human beings there must be suffering so they create it (see: Palahniuk, Haunted). They're junkies. Their drugs just don't come in powders or crystals, they don't shoot them, though they do ingest them, often and without thought. Alcohol, nicotine, endorphines, jizm, and absurd, unnecessary and obnoxious suffering-drama (see: Burroughes, Naked Lunch). Me, I'm content to have my books, my music and maybe a few dvds here and there, I like an evening at home cooking dinner and just chatting. I do not feel the need to do everything with these people, they're not that fun to be with honestly, they treat people badly, they treat me badly, and god knows they treat Vanessa badly. So... yeah. I'm pretty sick of it. They should cut it out. Thats it I guess. I guess I'm just frustrated with the whole concept that aligns this group, the social entity that is Charlie and Sarah, this hegemon of drunken, depraved and dysfunctional situations... |
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Oh yeah, ps. I got married. |
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So, I should be putting the finishing touches on my history essay but I decided to waste time. I'm utterly exhausted as I did not sleep until five am this morning working on said history paper, Vanessa came and picked me up at four thirty and I finally got to get some sleep. I haven't slept alone since June 10th, I've only slept at my apartment three times and still don't own a bed to put in it (that will be changed tonight at nine pm). So I love Vanessa. It freaks me out to no end, but I'm actually in love with her. Not some bull shitty thing that I had with Elena or any of that, I'm happy doing the most mundane things with Nessa and just waking up next to her makes my day better. We've been seeing each other for three months off and on, but singly for about a month now, she turns twenty two this month and this time next year will be working on her masters degree somewhere thats not Davis. That worries me. I don't see us breaking up by then, and I don't want that to be the end of us... we haven't talked about it yet, but I know she's as worried as I am about it. Well... I don't know what else to write, I'm wiped out, drank too much this weekend I guess had a party with the kids from the Bay area, played mixed drink pong and hung out with my room mate who's a really cool guy. Classes are going better, I think I know where I want to go with my major but the idea of focusing on International Law is daunting, that means that after my bachelors I go to law school, and after law school I get a phd on top of my jd, terrifying. Minimum 6 years after my 4 here... we'll see where I go with that... still have a long time....
Still need a job. |
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So, I have an apartment now, I really do, it's in the middle of downtown Davis is costing me five hundred a month and I have yet to move into it. I've been at Vanessa's place since last week... this may be getting a little ridiculous. Maybe... The good news: I like her, a lot. She's fucking awesome to be around and its fun doing absolutely nothing with her. More good news: I haven't had a cigarette in fifty six hours, and before that I had one a day for three days. I may actually kick this bleeding habit. I wish I could say that there aren't cravings but there are, they're pretty heinous sometimes too... but it's getting better and the physical ticks are retreating quickly, hopefully the mental addiction will be simpler. I can drink and not smoke now which is new for me... its been a long time for me to have a beer without a cigarette. I just hope I can stick with it... I haven't even pulled any ornery shit on anyone... well not yet anyway... we'll see what happens. I'm doing all this cold turkey which is pretty tough I guess.
I should probably contemplate moving into my apartment sometime soon..... huh.... I don't pay rent until July.... we'll see...... |
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I'm dating a twenty one year old and loving it. She's gorgeous in every way.
Have an apartment for summer and one for next year.
It's finals week. |
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I ardently strive to be strong and silent. In reality I just don't want to tell anyone the truth because every time I don't tell a lie I find myself caught in a position I very much don't want to be in. Thats my postsecret. I wouldn't write that without the vodka in my system. It's three thirty where I'm at, I've probably had too many martini's, probably too many beers, probably too many shots, and probably too many cigarettes... Why must people foist themselves into my affairs? Sarah (my room mate's girl friend) has made it her personal mission to find out my past proclivities, in every sense, sexual or otherwise. This disconcerts me, I'm feverishly attempting a relationship with someone two years my senior, I do not wish for my previous relationships brought up by everyone (for Sarah's mouth is very large and loose, and we all know what they say about loose lips), it's just me, but I posit that those are null and void, she still is of the opinion that each and every one of those holds some small peace of my being that is inherent to my life, that I should be an introspective lens which she can look through. I believe that she should, quite simply, keep her large nose in her own business. My being, pieces and all is my business, no one else's, so damn her. Vanessa got back from Vegas tonight, I'm pretty sure she fell asleep an hour ago, which is disappointing. I would have liked nothing more than to see her, to fall asleep with her. The funny thing is, I don't want to sleep with her in the classical sense, the philandering, sensual sense, I just want to fall asleep with her, she may talk in her sleep but I probably snore so it evens out. I missed her, not a good sign, everyone needs a friend who gets around (me, I'm that bloke who tries to be a modern day Casanova by the remarks of my mates) well, anyway, regardless of my remarks of my mates, I missed her, I told no one, it wasn't important. Missing her was my thoughts, my business, (the beauty of it was that no one else knew) and I enjoyed, no reveled in it, I liked the fact that my room mate, my room mate's girl, my friend's were left in the dark, I enjoyed that bit of subterfuge... and now I'm alone in my room, bored and alone... I wish the shuttle back from Vegas would be a little quicker than it is. Or not, she may not call, she may just pass out, its three forty-five in the morning, an hour and forty-five minutes from when I last talked to her, my fingers fly over the keys making assumptions my brain has yet to comprehend. I should go to bed, instead I'm going back to the start. Thats all I suppose, Jethro Tull comes on my iPod making me want to wander, I suppose I will sign off with that. Peace and Love to all P.S. Its The Streets now (irony of ironies) |
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Been thinking a lot today. Didn't eat anything today. Have had the better part of a twelve pack. Miss Vanessa like no other, sorta need her to keep me outta trouble. Like her lots. Slightly drunk, so I apologize for the post in advance (or post depending on how long this post is, although it seems to keep getting longer the more I write (no shit right?) oohps double parenthesis) Yeah... thats it. Slightly drunk, missing Vanessa, excited that it'll last the summer. Yeah thats it... peace all. |
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How does one relate Freud to Faust? Well, if you're me you'll wait until thirteen hours before the due date to try and find out, but it's not totally my fault, I've been playing bike mechanic for the last ten hours. So, on the off chance that this website saved one of my rants about the return to patriarchy in the United States I just clicked through almost three years of entries. They're bizarre, I remember some of them, some I'm convinced aren't me. I suppose we've come a long way since the days when the most important thing was the quiz on some easy and broad concepts in European history, well, culturally, intellectually, that argument holds water, but scholastically the assignments can be damn similar. It's ironic that the main reason I use this damn web page is to bitch about girls, I really ought to get a real life (ha). Well, my room mate has a girlfriend now, it's "official" now (a point I still do not understand) its not terrible except that this man is supposed to be my friend but he lets my find out on face book. I suppose it has something to do with him wanting to kick the shit outta me a while back... Don't know. Me, I'm aiming for the 21 year old still, maybe it will work, maybe not but I sure as hell won't have these damn girls who think they're still in elementary school asking about it like before (I swear to god I got a note complete with check boxes for yes and no as to whether or not I liked this chick)... I should probably go and work, I really don't want to...
Current Location: |
Dorm Room still |
Current Music: |
Watch Me Fall - Uncle Tupelo | |
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Why isn't this quarter over yet? Haven't slept since Friday. No house party kid'n play last night what so ever, my boys feel like police officers...
I have two papers and a presentation due in ten hours on a book I have yet to finish, a paper on a book I have yet to start and a paper on a movie I have yet to watch due Tuesday.
In short I'm pretty fucked.
On a lighter note (?) I'm falling for my 21 year old 'friend' who just got out of a five year relationship and wants nothing more than to have a "no strings attached, assumptions free, flexible (hah, double entendre)" relationship with me, which is fun.... but.... Guaranteed two quarters here over the summer assuming I get a place to live.
Still need to find a place to live next year. Pretty much this sucks. Too much to do, and far too little time to do it. |
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I'm staring down the barrel at another year of school, not summer and then a year but five quarters of school, back to back. No break. No rest for the wicked. I may be that kid that sets the curve on the midterm, but I also get an f for attendance in section. Hence to rest for the wicked. I'm sitting at my computer contemplating writing an essay on a movie I didn't watch, I don't want to, I really don't have to, I have a walk on this- I'll just have to write the next three. I want to sleep. Can't. Not only does insomnia suck more than hemorrhoids, my room mate has a girl in his bed... and they're talking. Second night in a row and I have gotten nine hours of sleep since friday night. This isn't just any girl either, this girl and I had a thing for a while, about ten days ago. She jumped from me to Charlie so fast I didn't even know what happened. Not that I mind, I don't. She's not the brightest bulb in the box, it just causes me to question all the facets of my relationship with either of them, not a good position for me. The girl(s) I'm into, well is(are) more or less nonexistent. They all have boyfriends or for some reason think I'm asshole, or just disappear like Casper. Got hit by a car running back to the dorms in order to save Charlie's girl from a potential rapist. I have fantastic luck. Asshole, not relationship material, but the first person people call when shit hits the fan. Ten minutes after I ousted the man I had to do it all over again for someone else. God, I feel sorry for exorcists. Everything is just peachy keen out her on the West coast.
Going to go trade energy drinks for beer.
Peace.
Current Location: |
Dorm Room |
Current Mood: |
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Current Music: |
Complications- Atmosphere | |
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"Chris may do more reckless things than me, may regret more than me, but at the end of the day I still think he has more fun" - A very dear friend who I have not talked to in three months Not exactly true, I wish it were. My life has been a mixture of fun and procrastination, not so much recklessness as just rampant irresponsibility which has now ceased to exist, well, for the most part. Without getting into details I pretty much have bollixed up many aspects of my existence that I thought were beyond attack... seems they weren't. I broke up with N------ (not sure if I posted that yet) and I did it rather poorly solely due to the fact that I don't break up with girls as a rule, they break up with me... well anyways, I botched it and she now despises me which just gets chalked up on the big board of people who cease to talk to me for either my action, or their interpretation of my action. The list has become rather long, which is indeed unfortunate. The bizarre thing about it is the fact that I don't feel nearly any guilt for just breaking up with N------ due to the fact that she and I had absolutely no basis for a relationship in my mind, which is ironic for that is exactly what E---- said when she gave me the boot. I am destined to repeat the deeds (call them mistakes if you will) of others. Ironically others are destined to repeat the mistakes I've made and I feel ill at ease watching friends of mine walk into situations that I know in the end may devastate them, however, they are all situations that I cannot intervene in for fear of reprisals from all parties involved (both those I know and those I do not), additionally they are situations that one really needs to figure out on their own, like realizing that the first time you have sex is guarunteed to suck, or premature sex messes everything up in a relationship, or a little simpler: drinking to much makes you sick, those kinds of situations that one pretty much must experience in order to appreciate... or maybe not, maybe there are a lot of people smarter than I am... though from the stories I've been hearing it sounds like not... I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I just sorta wanted to type a bit... Pretty much people are dumb... and they need to stop romanticizing the actions of others and get on with their own because while the grass may always look greener it really isn't, trust me... Not to be maudlin mind you, I'm actually quite happy where I am reading Goethe and analyzing political systems... seemingly when there is a lack of interesting drama in my world it pops up everywhere else and vice versa. Oh, I guess I have one piece of news I'd like to announce to the world: whoever keeps grabbing my ass in poli sci really needs to stop... its gotten beyond the pail. I aparrently am Leonardo from the Teen Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles as of Friday... I find this disconcerting but much better than either Adam Savage or Ron Weasley |
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Oh yeah, here's a fun factoid, actually two.
I'm not over Elena... or I don't think I am.... or something... not sure
I have a thing for a friend of mine who has an offagainonagain boyfriend
Wahoo me |
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Okay so, I'm not a big fan of basketball, nor of Charlie's incessant need to channel surf, so it looks like I'm stuck in my room on the laptop, bored out of my mind. So, a quick update as to my last few weeks: 1. Broke up with Natalie Our relationship was utterly superficial and boring 2. Wrote too many papers 3. Trying to get a place to stay 4. Apparently need to get a car Bored. Gonna go wrest the remote from Charlie... |
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Hang me up to dry. I'm pearly like the whites, the whites, of your eyes. Vodka. Status: Need More Alcohol.
Drunk. Plastic ended up in my vodka.
Alcohol. Not cognizant as to how my alcohol had vodka in it.
Not Drunk. Cognizant of above statement.
Drunk. Think above above statement hilarious.
Girlfriend: Missing in action.
Typing typing typing.
Going to go kill people.
Weeeeee!
I'm glad that I have said liquid.
Wreaking havoc, back later, bastards.
Current Location: |
Table! |
Current Music: |
Disconnect - Ima Robot | |
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So. I joined a frat a few weeks ago, it was a mistake. I had 'imbibed' a far amount. It was a trick I tell you. I'm now out, and glad to be out. Frats are sort of like cults. I got a butcher job of a haircut, it is very short and a little disconcerting. That and I hopefully have a date on Friday, hopefully she didn't dig on my long hair. Okay, I'm off to play squash. Lots of fun. |
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